


The Breath Before Drowning, and The Silence After

by Someonesfirstworldproblems



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Gay, I wasnt gonna post this but here we go, Jedi drama, M/M, Mpreg, Post-Star Wars: Return of the Jedi, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Spoilers, Starwars - Freeform, abondoning ur kids, han and luke are reys parents, skysolo, soft core feels porn, spaceboys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-06 22:31:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13420977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Someonesfirstworldproblems/pseuds/Someonesfirstworldproblems
Summary: Corellia was unusually wet that season. The rain lashed heavy and fast against the tops of thatched roofs and durasteel walls. The rain had always been warm on corellia even during the worst of its tantrums, that day seemed no exception.There really wasn’t anything about the weather that day that made it special. There was nothing about the day in general that made it special, or any different from yesterday or tomorrow, which was strange. We always believe that the day something significant happens that things are different, that something feels special or that something feels wrong. But usually the most wonderful, horrible, sorrowful days are the same as the ones before. The same as the days after.__________________________________________________________________________________This is a prolougue to a story I wrote but Never finished. I'm probably gonna post other finished snippets from the story becuz i might as well I spent enough goddamn time on it. Also skysolo is legit and I'm still crying over luke my favorite useless twink. unbeta'd i can't spell have a good day





	The Breath Before Drowning, and The Silence After

**Author's Note:**

> well well well i finally posted this. Its a prologue to a story i wrote and never finished called the awakening enjoy i guess

The breath before drowning

And the silence after….. _A prologue, a memory_

  


Corellia was unusually wet that season. The rain lashed heavy and fast against the tops of thatched roofs and durasteel walls. The rain had always been warm on corellia even during the worst of its tantrums, that day seemed no exception.

There really wasn’t anything about the weather that day that made it special. There was nothing about the day in general that made it special, or any different from yesterday or tomorrow, which was strange. We always believe that the day something significant happens that things are different, that something feels special or that something feels wrong. But usually the most wonderful, horrible, sorrowful days are the same as the ones before. The same as the days after.  

 

  ________________

  


Luke was shaking. The shock of the ground against his boots, the howling of the wind in his ear, the pain tight in his chest, nothing registered. He had lost the feeling in his fingers but still he kept them tightly wrapped in the thick grey fabric that he cradled against his chest.

 

He didn't allow himself to think. He couldn't. Fear was a path to the darkside _but luke skywalker was terrified_ . Attachment was a path to the darkside _but luke skywalker had loved_.

 

He walked the path he knew so well, the red coloring of the mud a subtle reminder of the dirt and sand of summer. Unlike his original dessert homeworld, corellia was alive and teeming with green life. It sprouted around him and his trail, catching the rainwater and leading it down to the soil. The force was strong here it moved without restraint, flowing over him like the water that dripped from the plants. Luke tried to find solace in it, the calm, the steady rhythm of raindrops against the thick canopy of leaves but he couldn’t, not as he neared the house atop the cliff.

 

It was a beautiful building really. Made from the strong wood of the planet’s forests, a rich brown color that stood out starkly against the grey of the sky behind it. Luke wanted to run. Luke wanted nothing more than to leave this place, but he couldn’t. He had run from it before, run from han before, and it had brought him nothing but the pain of a missing piece.

 

It took all the effort in the world, all his courage, to reach up his fist and knock against the smooth wood of the front door. And to rap against it again ,foreign noise to the natural silence, it was more painful then he would have thought.

 

Maybe he wasn’t ready before. Maybe he’d had words before on the landing pad ,so far from here, so far from now. But seeing han framed in the doorway the deep chestnut of his hair a mess, his white shirt old and fraying around the neck, lips a thin line it caused luke to lose all his words.

 

“ and what are you doing here”

 

To lose all his courage.

 

“ i’m..i……”

 

His mouth opened uselessly. **_This was a mistake. This was a mistake this was a mistake this was a mis-_ **

 

“Funny how things change huh cuz if i remember correctly you had allot to say the last time you saw me in fact i’d say-”

 

It came out in a rush.

 

“ i was pregnant”  

 

And then there was silence. As luke stepped farther under the cover of the deck’s roof he pulled the little bundle away from his body. He couldn't stop shaking.

 

And there out towards han was a little pink face with big green eyes and a small wet mouth.

 

Han didn't speak. Luke shook so severely he feared he would drop the baby but he was so accustomed to the feeling now that the consequences barely registered.

 

“She’s yours..I promise she’s yours she can't be anybody but yours and i was i couldn’t i i…”

 

If han was listening luke couldn’t tell but he reached out rough hands and took the little bundle from luke. She shifted slightly giving a small whine of discomfort as a particularly strong rush of wind passed. Han cradled her so delicately. Held her so close to his body to the warmth luke knew could engulf him. And as if she could sense it, feel her father she quieted, staring up at him with eyes wide and slow blinking.

 

“Han-”

 

His voice broke

 

“Han …. Say something”

 

Luke felt helpless

 

“ who knew?”

 

His acknowledgment did nothing to ease luke.

 

“ luke who-”

 

“No one… no one.. Except leia.. But you know how she is she can sense it we’re twins there was no way i could hide it from her, han you have to understand i didn't mean for this to happen for it to get this far i. I”

 

Han had his finger slowly smoothing over the skin of the baby's cheek. Leaving luke out again.

 

“Typical”

 

Luke tried to protest.

 

“Ha- “

 

He scoffed, finally meeting luke’s eye.

 

“Leia knows everything before I do kid, she always did”

 

Luke huffed the beginning of a protest.

 

“Were you ever planning to tell me”

 

There was a pause.

Luke couldn’t look away and han was to stubborn to back down. **_I love you i loved you i’ll always love you please understand pleasepleasepleaseplease_ **

 

“ i was planning to i wanted too so bad han but i was scared i was so so scared of of…”

 

“Of what”

 

Luke felt tears prick his eyes.

 

“Losing you”

 

Han offered him no sympathy.

 

“You did a damned good job at that didn't you”

 

The tears were hot, shameful. Luke felt his face heat up, he felt like a child.

 

“I Tried”

  
  


“ i know. It’s usually what gets you into trouble”

 

Another pause

 

“Why are you here luke..i can’t let myself think that somehow even this”

 

He gestured briefly to the three of them.

 

“Is gonna change your mind or that kriffing councils.. So is this a goodbye another one.. I’m never gonna see her again..my daughter our daughter.. Is this just a fucking punishment or some bantha shit”

 

Luke shook his head letting out a choked sob into his hand.

 

“The jedi council doesn't know she exists and i can’t han i have.. My position and the jedi order .. my family’s”

 

He choked again.

 

“Image”

Han spat it at him.

 

“Don't say it like that han solo don't you dare it’s not like...like that you..you don’t know how much this kills me”

 

This seemed like a horribly familiar feeling ,luke defending his decisions to han, who always disapproved.

 

“ your never going to see her again”

 

Luke couldn’t stop it now he cried wholeheartedly jedi facade torn to shreds. The arm around his stomach kept him from retching while the other reached across the threshold and petted the baby’s soft brown hair.

 

“ i know that i know i won't han.. I came here and i knew i wouldn’t”

 

It hurt those first few steps , to look at his baby girl and pull himself away down the stairs and back into the rain.

 

“Her name luke. Whats her name”

 

Han shouted over the storm.

 

Luke turned only slightly the tears and rainwater blurring the picture of them from his vision,memory, and mind.

 

“ rey”

 

And then he turned and left.

 

                                                                                                          ___________________

 

There was a distinct snapping in luke's midsection as if a cord had stretched tight around his stomach ,low, in the place he had carried rey. And he screamed. The farther he walked the more it hurt as if he was physically taking their force bond and tearing it with his hands. He bent in half and retched over the red mud letting it wash away with the silt. The mucus and rain water mixed into the taste of bile in his mouth. Luke felt as though he was drowning.

 

He reached the landing pad and pulled away in his x-wing. Only in the confines of his ship’s familar cockpit did he feel like he could breathe again. But it rasped empty and hollow in his chest. He had left a piece of himself on corellia.

 

            Again.

                            

 

                                                                                                            __________________

  


Han couldn't do it.

 

Three days, he’d lasted three days trying to care for a child on his own before he had to face the truth, for someone who was supposed to be a grown ass adult he could barely take proper care of himself let alone anyone else. And especially not someone like rey.

 

The baby had cried herself to sleep again the night before unrespondant to any of han’s rocking or cooing he’d nearly pulled his own hair out at the noise. He’d had to leave her bawling and walk out to the backyard too let out his own angry wails he couldn’t do this gods he couldn’t do this. Han had been stupid to think he could just decide to raise a child this stuff took preperation and finesse and maybe a book or two. But that wasn’t the solo way and had certainly never been his way he just dived into it head first and got stuck in deep water. He was up to his neck and was kicking futilely.

 

He couldn’t do this. And that had been his formal surrender to the universe, it had finally found him a moutain he couldn’t climb with sheer will and a need to prove something or someone, luke... his family... maybe the whole fucking galaxy, wrong. But he’d been beaten into submission, with the wind whipping its harsh cries of victory against his face he went back inside.

 

Grabbing up his still sobbing baby he shushed her uselessy and made for the front door, catching his jacket on the way out he threw it on over his head and shoulders tucking the baby into his neck to protect her from the brunt of the fast chilling night, they really were having some strange weather on corellia these days, and made off through the settling village.

 

                                                                                         ______________________________

  


The falcon set down inside one of the nice landing docs in central corellia, if the kid was gonna have a chance at a nice life it would be here among the planets elite and wealthy, shutting down the the falcon’s computer and engaging the landing platform han held rey close as he made his way down the ramp.

 

Quick steps carried him across the greased floor and around the dozens of other ships, swiping his credits chip at the docking bays exit he made quick work of the walk towards the New Republic Corellian Branch orphanage.  The rain started up again half way through his trek pelting against his back as if to make him move faster, his hair was soaked by the time he reached the front door. The fact that orphanages had to have someone on call at the front desk for kid drop offs this late into the night was something han wouldn’t let himself think about lest he make himself more sick to his stomach.

 

The girl at the front seemed shocked to see him ,as in specifically him Han Solo, run into an orphanage at ass o’ clock at night, han had been in the holo news enough for 3 lifetimes and being a war hero was only half of it. Walking closer to the desk  han slowly pulled rey out from against his dark grey undershirt, the warmth of his jacket, and into the harsh yellow lighting of the greetings office. The blue twi’lek girl who had been blinking at him dumbfounded moments before snapped into action immediately reaching for the baby in han’s arms. The missing weight in his hands made his fingertips numb and his biceps prickle the same way his spine curled as he cringed when rey, who had been silent possibly even content the whole walk against han, burst out wailing little wrinkled hands turning uselessly into to fists. As if she could sense the shift in grip rey was crying out for han with her small gummy maw.

 

The twi’lek rocked rey as she handed han a flimsi paper form for him to fill out, his hands were shaking as he took it, still shaking fruitlessly around the stylus as he signed his name. He was so focused on trying to write legibly through his shivering fit he hardly registered what the girl had just told him. Moving his face up to look at her she told him again in a patiently tired voice.

 

“ perhaps it would be best to leave the uh… last name off the records”

 

Han nodded stiffly finishing the Y in rey with a drunken looking flourish he handed the woman the paper and stylus who set them down to the side of her holoprojector. With nothing to do with his hands han shoved them inside his jacket pockets trying to steady his beating heart into moving regularly again. Shifting rey in her arms the woman reached down to push the flimsi into the converter slot before pausing.

 

“ you have an eight hour waiting period between dropping a child off and actually giving them up for adoption and i strongly urge you to take it. You can come back and i will erase that flimsi file and have it disposed of for faulty processing.”

 

“..... Thats..that’s…….. ok yah..”

 

Han wiped his suddenly runny nose on the back of his hand and tried to ignore the way his voice had croaked around the answer he nodded breifly at her before walking back out the door. As soon as he stepped outside he earned an eerie silence of rain pelting harshly against the duracrete city.

 

He walked quickly trying the pound warmth back into his feet and shaking hands his nose was running again and he wiped it harshly ignoring the scratch at the back of his throat as he tried to clear it. These first steps would be the hardest, he knew, but it would get easier, it had to get easier. But with every continuing step there was no freedom, no weight off his shoulders if anything the world seemed to ,weigh heavier around him, be pressing in closer smug in its win.

 

He made it to the doc and scanned back his chips, he made it up the falcons ramp with hollow thunking footfalls against the durasteele, he made it to the cockpit with his hands hovering over the take off sequence. He was shaking all over when he collapsed back in his chair trying to take deep steadying breaths with his eyes screwed up shut.

 

Han screamed shoving the heels of his hands into his forehead to try and alleviate the pressure building there as tears welled in the corners of his eyes.

 

There was something in his mind a thought that had fluttered behind his eyes and was now blinding his vision to anything else. It was of a girl, a beautiful, strong, broken young woman in ragged and mismatched clothing crying crystal tears against dirty cheeks, abandoned to the carcus of a AT-ACT walker. She was screaming into the knees she had pulled up to her chest. And when she looked up, the sun setting behind her back, han could see lukes wide eyes,  his own strong chin, the deep set of his eyebrows, and the same brown of his hair. Weather it was to him, or the wind, or the world with whatever deep gut wrenching emotions she had warring in her body she whispered.

 

“ Come….. Back... Please Come Back”

 

And then han was running. Through the falcons enclosed corridors and over  the oil slick tarmac of the docking bay, he ran up the streets and down short alleyways. Skidding around corners on the rain drenched sidewalk, throwing his full weight over slow moving civilian transports and through the orphanage door. The twi’lek woman looked terrified for a moment before she seemed to recognize him. He didn’t wait for her to speak first, he stumbled over himself with his arms out for the little bundle screaming against her shoulder.

 

“ I want her back… Please let me have her back”

 

The woman hesitated before she nodded her head at his open arms and reddened face leaning over the counter to pass him back his daughter.

 

“ thank you”

 

The woman shook her head.

 

“ no, thank you”

 

                                                                                                              _____________________

 

Rey was quieting, her hoarse cries becoming soft hiccups as han walked her back to the falcon using his jacket as a sheild from the rain by moving it over his head and shoulders effectively soaking his back.

 

Han only just made it up the falcons boarding ramp to punch in the ramp lock up sequence before he was sinking to his knees on the floor.

 

Pulling rey from her humid wrapping han tossed it aside before maneuvering his arms out of his wet jacket. His fingers were cold when they brushed against her cheek causing rey to whine.

 

“ m’sorry rey I won’t leave you ok i promise I wont ever leave you not ever again.”

 

Tucking his fingers into her clothed sides han leaned down to press a warm kiss to the babies forehead.

 

“ I might not be the best dad... I.. I might not even be a good dad but i’ll be there and i’ll protect you from.. from .. everything. Even from your family... because your a solo and solo’s dont owe the world anything you got it, Skywalkers be damned your gonna be anything you wanna be that i can promise you.”

 

Leaning his head against the wall he stayed with his baby leaned up against his collar for a long, long time.

 

                                                                                                  ________________________________________

**Author's Note:**

> Hayyyyyy thnxs for reading if u liked it give me a kudos or a hit, fuckin book mark this shit and drop me a comment


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